Nose 4 News

2004-10-25T16:23:00.000-04:00

Undecided voters, shown here in Ohio, are the subject of intense last-minute study and strategizing by the Bush and Kerry campaigns.

Arafat Pat, Iraq De-Stocked, Ashlee Gaffe-ly, Clinton Sprintin'

2004-10-25T14:08:00.000-04:00

(CTV.ca)
Conflicting Reports About Arafat's Health
There are conflicting reports about Palestinian president Yasser Arafat's health. Some say he's suffering gallstones and an intestinal infection while others say he has the flu.
>>>>>A state department source says that Arafat is suffering from neurological damage after so many years of talking out both sides of his mouth.
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(Reuters)
Tons of Explosives Missing from Former Iraq Atomic Site
Nearly 380 tons of explosives are missing from a site near Baghdad that was part of Saddam Hussein's dismantled atom bomb program…The missing explosives could potentially be used to detonate a nuclear weapon or in conventional weapons, the agency said.
>>>>>Besides the missing explosives, the murder of 50 Iraqi police trainees, continuing kidnappings and executions of foreigners and an insurgency now believed to number in the tens of thousands, Iraq is a healthy and thriving addition to the world of democracy, say Iraqi authorities.
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(rollingstone.com)
Ashlee Caught Lip Syncing
Ashlee Simpson walked offstage this Saturday during a broadcast of Saturday Night Live when recorded vocals for a different song began to play as she began performing.
>>>>>Ashlee later said that she intended to do an updated version of the Led Zeppelin classic "Stairway To Heaven," but a technical glitch interrupted her performance.
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(Seattle Post Intelligencer)
Taiwan Battered By Typhoon
TAIPEI, Taiwan--Strong winds and heavy rains lashed eastern Taiwan as Typhoon Nock-ten began battering the island Sunday night.
>>>>>Chinese government officials quickly blamed Israel for the storms, and demanded the U.N. Security Council meet in emergency session.
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(ABCnews.com)
Exclusive: Clinton Says Kerry Shouldn't Look for 'Silver Bullet'
A gaunt former President Clinton does not think he is taking a risk by hitting the campaign trail for Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry so soon after undergoing quadruple heart bypass surgery. "I want to do this," Clinton told ABC News' Diane Sawyer in an exclusive interview that aired on "Good Morning America."
>>>>>Clinton then offered to show Sawyer his preemptive love offensive to prove his heart was in good working order, but the perplexed news anchor cut to a TV commercial.
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(The Times of London)
Vodafone In Row Over 'Peeping Tom' Phone Cameras
The world’s biggest mobile phone company was embroiled in a row last night over an “X-ray” mobile camera attachment that allows peeping toms to see through clothes.
>>>>>A previous version of the phone could see through politicians, but was quietly withdrawn.
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(ABCnews.com)
Kravitz Sued Over Overflowing Toilet
NEW YORK--An insurance company has sued Lenny Kravitz, saying it had to pay for more than $300,000 worth of water damage in a neighbor's apartment after one of Kravitz's toilets overflowed two months ago.
>>>>>The singer filed a counter-claim, saying his toilet contents were more valuable than his neghbor's apartment. The suit is still under review.
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(Sky News, U.K.)
'Bush Is Not My Homie'
Eminem is planning to vote for the first time in his life after being left seething at the US President. The controversial rapper said he was determined to get George Bush out of office.
>>>>>A spokesman for President Bush said that Eminem's work was musically derivative and lyrically childish, and that the White House would worry if Public Enemy had something negative to say, but not Eminem.

Unsure on 3 Strikes, Uncertain on 2 IQs

2004-10-24T09:34:00.000-04:00

(The New York Times)
California Rethinking '3-Strikes' Sentencing
One of the most significant changes proposed in the ballot measure, known as Proposition 66, would put California more in line with the 24 other states that have three-strikes laws. The change would restrict third-strike offenses for repeated felons, which require a 25-year-to-life sentence, to serious or violent crimes.
>>>>>But a number of other ballot alternatives to "three strikes" are also being proposed. Prop 17 is the "Technical Foul" initiative, which requires criminals to examine their behavior in a more scientific fashion. Prop 981 is the "Penalty Box" proposal, which benches criminals from their favorite activities. And Prop A-3, the "Time-Out" program, is a favorite of liberal reformers.
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(The New York Times)
Secret Weapon for Bush?
To Bush-bashers, it may be the most infuriating revelation yet from the military records of the two presidential candidates: the young George W. Bush probably had a higher I.Q. than did the young John Kerry.
>>>>>Military records also reveal that the young George Bush was fluent in ancient Aramaic, wrote a paper disproving the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and could guess the weight of total strangers to within half a pound.

2004-10-23T10:55:00.000-04:00

The Boston Red Sox, who were supposed to be in the World Series only if hell froze over, according to a majority of New Yorkers, will play the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 1 tonight, weather permitting.

Murders Down, Kerry In Brown, Fat Men Lose Ground

2004-10-22T18:12:00.000-04:00

(The New York Times)
After Curse and Cursing, a Pinstripe Shade of Blue
Just to illustrate the suspense that choked Yankee fans while their team was struggling on Wednesday night: No homicides were reported in New York City during Game 7, the police said.
>>>>>Pentagon to broadcast World Series games 24 hours a day in Sunni triangle in experimental program, sources say.
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(The New York Times)
Advice on Vaccine Shortage Is Lacking, Local Officials Say
Local and state health officials are complaining that their federal counterparts have given them almost no information to deal with the shortage of flu vaccines.
>>>>>Chicken soup, two aspirin, "that's all a bunch of media hype," are suggested key strategies.
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(The New York Times)
Kerry On Hunting Photo-Op to Help Image

Clad in camouflage clothing, a 12-gauge double-barreled shotgun under his arm, Senator John Kerry presented an image that his aides hope will help shore up his support among rural voters.
>>>>>To shore up his support among suburban voters, Kerry screamed at a minivan full of schoolchildren to stop fooling around and complained to a group of husbands that they weren't paying enough attention to him.
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(CBS News.com)
Study: Fat Men=Poor Sperm
Beer bellies may take a toll on men below the belt, not just around it. Men who weigh too much are more likely to have poor sperm quality, research on nearly 1,600 young Danish men has found.
>>>>>Overweight men were also more likely to be die from undetected aneurysms and be struck by asteroids

BITING BACK THE HEADLINES:

(Chicago Tribune)
Bush, Kerry Bombard Ohio
>>>>>Residents flood refugee camps, seek shelter from Olsen Twins and Ed Asner.

(Associated Press)
Hooters Opens First Restaurant in China
>>>>>Civil war, presidential assassinations, "Golden Girls," pedophilia to follow.

(ABC News.com)
Serbs Deciding Whether to Vote in Kosovo
>>>>Or maybe they'll just open fire on some unarmed civilians.

(CBS News.com)
Fidel Acts Fit As A Fiddle
>>>>>Finds fault with finicky forecasts by Fox.

(CBS News.com)
France To Run Anti-Semitism Ads
>>>>>"We Hate The Jews, But We Hate Everybody," is campaign slogan.

(Forbes)
Microsoft Is A-Rod; Google Is Pujols
>>>>>Bush is Homer Simpson, Kerry is Lisa

(ABC News.com)
New Weight-Loss Device to Be Tested
>>>>>Lip-stapler equipped with lemon-flavored staples.

Phoning Home, Castro's Bones, Iraqi Doubt, Kerry Routs

2004-10-21T10:49:00.000-04:00

(The New York Times)
Coming Soon: High-Definition TV Phones
Miniature mobile phones…are poised to merge with the largest of home appliances, the television. The cellphone industry is working to build phones able to receive high-definition television signals over the air, even though HDTV has yet to make its way into most American living rooms.
>>>>>U.S. and Japanese manufacturers hope to add additional home-based technologies to the ultra-mobile cellphone, including portable versions of freezers, washers and dryers, central air conditioning and heating and crawslspace.
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(The New York Times)
Indonesian President Is Sworn In, Promising a Cleaner Government
JAKARTA, Indonesia--Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, a former general, took the oath of office as the first directly elected president of Indonesia, and in a businesslike address promised a new era of cleaner government. "Indonesia will be a democratic country, open, modern, pluralistic and tolerant," he said from the glistening halls at the presidential palace. "We will try hard to form a clean and good government."
>>>>>The new president ordered all paramilitary personnel soaked in a gentle vinegar solution, opposition party members to be disinfected twice a day and all members of the media to be scrubbed by the public with soap and hot water.
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(The Associated Press)
Castro 'All in One Piece' After Fall
HAVANA--Cuban President Fidel Castro tripped and fell after leaving the stage at a graduation ceremony, fracturing a knee and arm but later returning to say that he was "all in one piece."
>>>>>White House sources said that officials of the CIA, Army intelligence and other covert operations sources immediately began studying the staging of high school plays and dinner theater shows for clues about mounting a more opportunistic operation.
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(Reuters)
Burger King Bars Ads From TV Show Discussing Kerry
NEW YORK--Hamburger chain Burger King said that it would not run its commercials during a controversial program about U.S. presidential candidate John Kerry.
>>>>>General Mills, the makers of Frankenberry cereal, stepped into the controversy and bought all of the available TV commercial time.
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(USA Today)
Poll: More Iraqis Doubt Nation's Direction
More Iraqis say their country is headed in the wrong direction and they blame the poor security situation, a new poll has found.
>>>>>A majority of Iraqis also said that a majority of Iraqis don't know which way is up or their asses from their elbows.
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(Associated Press)
ABC Drops Miss America From TV Schedule
ABC has dropped Miss America, leaving the famous beauty pageant without a TV outlet for the first time in 50 years.
>>>>>The aging beauty queen was last seen devouring several pounds of Entenmann's cakes and disappearing inside a ladies' room.
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(Associated Press)
Kids Pick Kerry to Be the Next President
NEW YORK--Kid power! Democrat John Kerry is the winner, and the rest of the country should pay attention because the vote on Nickelodeon's Web site has correctly chosen the president of the United States in the past four elections.
>>>>>The kids also voted M&M's the healthiest dinner food and Britney Spears as the next justice to be named to the Supreme Court.

Sniffing Out the Smelliest Headlines:

(The New York Times)
Debate Lingering on Decision to Dissolve the Iraqi Military
>>>>>Pentagon also considers smelting the military, turning it into souvenir coins.

(The New York Times)
Back From Dead, Red Sox Bury Yankees and Go to Series
>>>>>Dead Yankees appear in public, causing panic and confusion; lawyers for Yankee owner George Steinbrenner and players' families argue over contract payments to dead player's estates.

(The New York Times)
In Bush's Vision, a Mission to Spread Power of Liberty
>>>>>Spread it with a spoon, or spread it with a shovel, just keep spreading it, President tells advisers.

(The New York Times)
Iraq Susceptible to Corruption, Survey Finds
>>>>>Clouds likely to rain, birds likely to sing, sun tends to set, survey adds.

(Reuters)
Israelis, Palestinians at Odds Over U.S. Election
>>>>>Two peoples agree on everything else, however, and will spend winter at a family retreat in Greece.

(Reuters)
Fox, Sox Celebrate Baseball Wins
>>>>>Clocks and knocks, smocks and locks, docks and rocks also celebrate. Frocks could not be reached for comment.

2004-10-20T13:29:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON, D.C.--As crude oil prices remain close to $55 per barrel, Energy Department sources say the Bush administration is seeking alternative fuel sources, including new technologies for rendering penguins and other marine mammals into oil products.

2004-10-20T11:47:00.000-04:00

While New York Yankees manager Joe Torre blamed the historic three-game losing streak to the Boston Red Sox on a variety of factors, Yankees fans blamed the team's reversal of fortune on a strange, unidentified creature, allegedly captured here in a photo taken underneath Yankee Stadium.

Good Cells, Galactic Tells, Cell Hell, Oh That Smell

2004-10-19T17:08:00.000-04:00

(United Press International)
Schwarzenegger Endorses Stem Cell Work
Carmel, CA--California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger broke with Republican party ranks and endorsed a $3 billion stem cell research project.

A Republican source said that the actor was obsessed about cloning himself and took his own catchphrase, "I'll Be Back," literally.
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(The New York Times)
New Look at How Planets Are Formed
New infrared observations of the disks of dust and rock around young stars reveal that many planets apparently form in an environment more violent and chaotic…than previously theorized, astronomers reported yesterday.

The planets engaged in name-calling, eye-gouging, head-bonking, pasting "Kick Me" stickers on one another's backs and putting potatoes in car exhausts, the study said.
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(Associated Press)
Man Upset With Cellphone Service Terrorizes Workers
FARGO, N.D.--Can you hear me now? Jason Perala says he's sorry for going on a rampage in a Fargo, N.D., Verizon store.

But 92 percent of cell phone users said they were sympathetic to the man's outburst and offered to terrorize other Verizon store locations if it would make him feel better.
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(United Press International)
Officials Allege Crack-For-Registrations
Defiance, OH--A 22-year-old Defiance, Ohio, man faces a felony charge stemming from a scheme in which the man allegedly was to be given crack cocaine for registering voters.

European observers said that the event supported the widely held belief that, given the two candidates put forth by the parties, most Americans must be smoking something.
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(Associated Press)
Mayo Clinic to Name Center After Sheik
MINNEAPOLIS--The Mayo Clinic will name a new cardiovascular treatment center for the president of the United Arab Emirates, Sheik Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan, who has given $25 million to the institution since he underwent neck surgery there in 1996.

The new treatment center, The Jews Are To Blame Pavillion, is scheduled to open in May, 2007.
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(The New York Post)
Exxon's New Fuel: Caffeine
ExxonMobil is serving up a new type of premium leaded: its own gourmet-coffee line, "Bengal Traders" branded java. ExxonMobil invested more than $10 million to buy high-end beans, update its equipment and train its staff on keeping the brew fresh.

The company's proposed new slogan is, A Tiger In Your Tank, A Rattlesnake In Your Bowels.

Biting Back The Headlines:

2004-10-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

(New York Times)
Iraqi Officials Plan to Extend Buying of Arms

Hands, feet and kidneys will also be sought, but other parts will be diverted to the Sudan.
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(Associated Press)
U.S. Episcopal Church Criticized for Consecrating Gay Bishop

Bishop says he didn't enjoy it, either, but he wanted to be open-minded.
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(The New York Times)
For Kerry, a Few Words That May Be Debatable

"Read My Lips: No New Lesbians."
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(The New York Times)
Bush's Brother Rules Out Bid for Presidency

Governor Jeb Bush says that he doesn't have enough cash on hand to buy the White House, thanks to some pokey real estate deals.
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(MSNBC-Entertainment)
Clay Aiken Dons Santa Hat For Holiday Tour

Authorities in 34 states say they have enough manpower to protect children from the onslaught, but worry about depletion of resources.
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(ABC News-Entertainment-Wire)
Soft Cell Singer Hospitalized After Crash

Flock of Seagulls drummer and Modern English bass guitarist say they haven't been sleeping well.
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(MSNBC-Entertainment)
Jolie Named Sexiest Woman Alive

Actress claims her goal is to become sexiest woman deceased, as the title will last longer.
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(CNNfn)
Dow punctured by 3M.

3M says it will go slower next time, try more foreplay.
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(ABC News-Business-Wire)
Sprint Names New Head of Consumer Division

CEO's arms and legs are being used in Fallujah water project, according to sources.
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(MSNBC-Business)
Mattel's Earnings Slip, Barbie Blamed

Scott Peterson attorney Mark Geragos cites Barbie as possible suspect in wife's slaying during opening of defense phase of the trial.

My Fellow Lesbians

2004-10-16T08:19:00.000-04:00

And I see that you're a lesbian, which is OK. And I see another lesbian behind you, and she's OK like a 96-ounce bottle of Heinz ketchup, my fellow Americans.

Bad Polls, No Parole, Nader Mole, Britney's Goals

2004-10-15T11:16:00.000-04:00

(Associated Press)
Polls Show Worsening of U.S. Reputation
LONDON--The United States' reputation around the world is hurting, a series of polls published Friday from 10 countries, including Canada, indicated. And in eight out of 10 countries, those polled said they hope to see Democrat John Kerry beat President George W. Bush.

Other highlights from the poll: 81% said they hoped Bill Gates would slip and fall in the bathtub; 78% said they thought Donald Trump was really a woman; 65% thought that Idaho and Montana were girls' names, not states; 53% wanted to see Madonna naked on the $5 bill; 44% blamed their lower back pain on Catherine Zeta-Jones; and 29% felt that they had really written The Da Vinci Code and their had been stolen by the CIA or Michael Eisner..
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(UPI)
Germany's Shroeder Visits Libya
Tripoli, Libya--German Chancellor Gerhard Shroeder met with Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi on ways to boost bilateral relations and increase Libyan oil exports to Germany.

The two leader spent hours in private talks and issued a statement blaming the Jews for all of the problems in world politics, including bad weather and global warming.
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(The New York Daily News)
Lennon Killer Full Of Regret, Sorrow
Tortured by regret over killing beloved Beatle John Lennon, Mark David Chapman told state parole officials he's a real nowhere man in upstate's Attica prison. "In some ways, I'm a bigger nobody than I was before because, you know, people hate me," Chapman said.

Chapman offered to kill Omarosa from The Apprentice or actor Mickey Rourke as a show of gratitude for leniency in his parole, but he was quickly sent back to solitary.
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(The Florida Sun Sentinel)
Bush Praises Plan To Speed Help To Restore Everglades
FLORIDA--Governor Jeb Bush touted a new state plan to speed up the restoration of the Everglades, filter water and refurbish wildlife habitat around South Florida.

The plan included selling the Everglades to Japan, moving it by boat and creating additional parking lots for Disney and Universal theme parks.
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(The New York Daily News)
Creeps At Wheel For Disabled Kids
NEW YORK--Hardened criminals were put in charge of the city's most vulnerable students because educrats never did required background checks, a probe revealed yesterday. Severely disabled children rode in private ambulances staffed by ex-cons with records for manslaughter, attempted murder and weapons and drug crimes.

On the positive side, said lawyers from he city, the children learned basic skills in handgun concealment, alibi maintenance and dead-body disposal.
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(The New York Times)
Nader Emerging As The Threat Democrats Feared
WASHINGTON--With less than three weeks before the election, Ralph Nader is emerging as just the threat that Democrats feared, with a potential to tip the balance in up to nine states where President Bush and Senator John Kerry are running neck and neck. Despite a concerted effort by Democrats to derail his independent candidacy, Mr. Nader will be on the ballots in more than 30 states.

Nader also announced plans to replace Santa Claus with a more modern Green Party character named "One-World Wochak."
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(The New York Times)
Ford Brings Back Steve McQueen
DETROIT--Detroit is exhuming another face from the past to pitch its cars to a new generation. A digitally revived Steve McQueen, who died in 1980, will be reprising the character of Lt. Frank Bullitt in a commercial promoting the redesigned and retro Ford Mustang.

The long-dead actor will also make forced-labor appearances at car shows, on late-night TV talk shows and at fundraisers for the National Rifle Association.
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(Reuters)
Kerry: Bush Out of Touch, Out of Ideas, Out of Time
LAS VEGAS--Democratic challenger John Kerry, pumped up by polls showing he won all three debates with President Bush, dismissed the Republican incumbent on Thursday as out of touch, out of ideas and out of time.

Kerry also accused President Bush of being out of toner ink, but the Kerry campaign refused to elaborate on what the senator meant.
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(Associated Press)
Google Launches PC Hard-Drive Search Tool
MOUNTAIN VIEW--Google Inc. on Thursday became the first tech heavyweight to tackle the daunting task of uncluttering computers, introducing a program that quickly scours hard drives for documents, e-mails, instant messages and past Web searches.

The search engine company is also working on a top-secret search engine that will find lost car keys, TV remotes and memories, said sources close to the company.
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(Associated Press)
Report: Spears May Take Husband's Name
BERLIN--Britney Spears, newly married to dancer Kevin Federline, says she would like to take his last name and wants to start a family next year, a German magazine reported.

The singer also said she wants to open a farm that saves downer cows and sheep with skin problems, to create a math system for adults that eliminated multiplication and division, to find ways to communicate with trees, and to change the name of Wisconsin to something easier to spell, like Ken.

2004-10-15T10:27:00.000-04:00

President Bush and Democratic challenger John Kerry, shown backstage before the third Presidential debate.
Photo Credit: BBC News UK.

Slow Hand, Sudetenland, Dirty Hands, Goremands

2004-10-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

(MSNBC)
Guitarist Clocked Going 134 mph On French Highway
DIJON, France--Police say they clocked Eric Clapton in his Porsche 9-11 going 134 miles per hour down a highway on Tuesday…more than 50 miles per hour above the posted speed limit. Police took away his British driver’s license, suspending his right to drive in France.

French President Jacques Chirac blamed President Bush for the incident, saying that Americans drove as recklessly as their foreign policy.
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(Bloomberg News)
Germany Loses 15,000 Jobs in a Day, Adding to Economy's Woes
Germany's economic woes deepened as General Motors Corp. and KarstadtQuelle AG announced plans to cut as many as 15,000 jobs in Europe's largest economy.

German officials blamed President Bush for the bad economic news and threatened to invade Lichtenstein if unemployment became any worse by year's end.
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(WJZ.com)
Magazine Gives Baltimore Poor Marks for Sexual Diseases
Men's Health magazine has rated Baltimore as the third worst place in the nation for sexual diseases. The magazine's October issue listed Detroit at number one and Newark, New Jersey in second place. The figures are based primarily on gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia data.

Conversely, Detroit and Newark were named the two most popular cities for gynecologists and urologists in a recent poll by The Journal of Nasty Plumbing.
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(The New York Times)
Kerry's Mention of Cheney's Gay Daughter Sparks Heated Reaction
WASHINGTON--Senator John Kerry's remarks Wednesday night about the sexual orientation of Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter has touched off a series of furious exchanges between people in both presidential campaigns, with Ms. Cheney's mother declaring that Mr. Kerry "is not a good man."

He's not just a not good man, but he's a very bad, evil man, a man who bites the heads off of poodles and throws lipstick at the homeless and speaks ancient Aramaic to the dead spirits of Huffunfuhry.
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(The New York Times)
G.O.P. Convention Cost $154 Million
The four-day Republican National Convention cost more than $154 million to stage. A detailed report filed with the Federal Election Commission shows that the New York City Host Committee spent $93,516 at the Ritz-Carlton on Central Park South and $301,460 on limousine services to $281,000 to build the circular stage that President Bush used to make his acceptance speech.

Other line items: $117,456 for Oriental massages; $93,221 for aromatherapy oils; $16,709 in Blockbuster late charges; $346,567 in overtime charges on four Verizon cell phones; and $15,988 on decaf lattes.
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(The Associated Press)
Gore Steps Up Fund-Raising Efforts
WASHINGTON--Al Gore, largely absent from this year's presidential campaign, is renewing his efforts to help the Democratic Party raise more money as Election Day approaches.

Gore has raised more than $16 million this year, mostly from large donors who paid him to stay home in his bathrobe and not appear anywhere in public.
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(The Associated Press)
Treasury Skirts $7.4 Trillion Debt Limit
WASHINGTON--Treasury Secretary John Snow announced Thursday that the government has begun using various accounting procedures to avoid hitting the $7.4 trillion national debt limit.

Snow said that $2 trillion in national debt will be reclassified as "crazy monkey money", thus allowing for an additional $2 trillion in deficit spending.

Realpolitik, Saudis Slick, Bush Sick, Chip Trick

2004-10-13T23:58:00.000-04:00

(Reuters)
Schroeder Rules Out German Troops for Iraq
BERLIN--Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder on Wednesday ruled out sending German troops to Iraq

NATO sources said that Germany might invade Poland or the Czech Republic instead, as they were much closer and the element of surprise would be very helpful.
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(Reuters)
Spouses' Mental Health Affects Marital Happiness
NEW YORK--People's level of anxiety or depression -- and their partner's -- can affect how happy they are in marriage, new research shows. Investigators found that when one spouse is depressed, both are likely to be dissatisfied with the relationship.
Psychologists said that, no matter which spouse first suffered depression, husbands are blamed in 92 percent of marriages.
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(Associated Press)
Saudis Blame U.S. and Its Role in Iraq for Rise of Terror
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia--Seventeen months into a shadowy terror campaign that has killed more than 100 people, numerous Saudis express less anger at the insurgents than at the United States for its invasion of Iraq, the signal event that they say touched off the attacks inside the kingdom.

The 19 Saudi-born members of the 9-11 attacks; Saudi militants and jihadists fighting in Iraq, Lebanon, Afghanistan and Southeast Asia; pouring money and weapons into Syria, Lebanon, the West Bank and Gaza; the endless amounts of useless sand; and the existence of biting flies--all are the fault of the U.S., according to a majority of Saudis.
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(Associated Press)
Ex - President Bush Sounds Ulcers Concern
KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine-- Former President George H.W. Bush says the 2004 presidential race is so intense, it could bring on another brush with ulcers like those that afflicted him years ago.

To underscore his point, the President promptly vomited over the railing of a shopping mall balcony and sent dozens of elderly shoppers scrambling for their lives.
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(Associated Press)
Drug Agents Seize Onetime Kennedy Sailboat
MARBLEHEAD, Mass.--Federal agents Wednesday seized a sailboat that was once owned by President Kennedy, saying the boat's current owner bought it with proceeds from a large-scale marijuana trafficking operation.

Police sources said that several celebrities placed bids on the drug boat, including George Carlin, Ozzy Osbourne and Rush Limbaugh.
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(Associated Press)
Calif. Sausage Maker's Lawyers Cite Stress
OAKLAND, Calif.--Lawyers for a former sausage maker accused of fatally shooting three meat inspectors told jurors Wednesday that their client simply snapped under months of intense pressure and harassment.

Prosecutors say they are confident the defendant will fall apart when grilled on cross-examination..
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(The Associated Press)
FDA Approves Use of Chip in Patients
WASHINGTON--A tiny computer chip approved Wednesday for implantation in a patient’s arm can speed vital information about a patient’s medical history to doctors and hospitals. But critics warn that it could open new ways to imperil the confidentiality of medical records.

You need to have the brain replacement surgery. You cannot leave the hospital without having all of your bones replaced by newer, better, bones. You can have a handy-dandy third arm attached in the middle of your back. You will donate all of your savings to the radiologists' vacation fund. You will buy expensive medical supplies and give them out as Halloween goodies. That is all.
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(The Associated Press)
Harvard Wants to Clone Human Embryos
CAMBRIDGE, Mass.--Harvard University scientists have asked the university’s ethical review board for permission to produce cloned human embryos for disease research.

A coalition of high school principals attacked the plan and said it was a naked attempt by Harvard at blocking out future spaces for college admissions.

2004-10-13T11:47:00.000-04:00

Even as a young newshound, I understood that you had to work hard to sniff out the good news from the bad. Gee, something smells funny...

Incentivize, Normalize, Apologize, Misunderstrategize

2004-10-12T23:58:00.000-04:00

(Associated Press)
U.S. Considering Incentives for Iran
VIENNA, Austria--Reconsidering its hard line on Iran, the United States is weighing the idea of rewarding the Islamic republic if it gives up technology that can be used for nuclear arms, diplomats and U.S. officials said Tuesday.

Sources in the State Department said that Iran might receive a 50-inch flat-screen TV, front-row tickets to a Tim McGraw concert, flash-frozen Omaha steaks and a signed pair of Jenna Jameson's underwear in the first batch of rewards for good behavior.
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(Associated Press)
China Waistlines Expanding As Incomes Rise
BEIJING-- Nearly 200 million Chinese are overweight, the Health Ministry said Tuesday in a report that reflected the swelling waistlines that have accompanied rising incomes.

Chinese government officials blame the United States for the country's weight gain, saying that affluent Chinese are devouring American-style burgers, pizza and chicken nuggets, yet finding themselves inexplicably hungry again an hour later.
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(Associated Press)
Survey: Ripa a Desireable College Roomie
NEW YORK-- She might owe him her household name status, but according to a recent survey, more New York college students would rather room with Kelly Ripa than Regis Philbin, her ``Live With Regis and Kelly'' co-host.

Yet the survey also showed that most college students would rather devour Regis Philbin's internal organs than Kelly Ripa's if forced into cannibalism by a plane crash on a remote island.
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(Associated Press)
High Court to Rule on Tuna Can Case
WASHINGTON--The Supreme Court agreed to consider Tuesday whether family members can sue in federal court after a 14-year-old girl cut her finger on a Star-Kist tuna can and suffered permanent damage.

The High Court will also rule on a case in which two construction workers were sent back in time to the Middle Ages after improperly mixing peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.
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(Associated Press)
Bunning Apologizes for 'Saddam' Remark
LEXINGTON, Ky--Republican Sen. Jim Bunning apologized Monday for having said his Democratic opponent looked like one of Saddam Hussein's sons, and demanded the same from his rival for allegedly claiming Bunning's health was failing.

A local Kentucky newspaper, however, produced an email from Bunning that compared Senator John Edwards to Princess Stephanie of Monaco, prompting a Congressional rebuke.
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(Associated Press)
First Lady Has Plans of Her Own
WASHINGTON--Looking beyond Election Day, first lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second term she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuse problems.

A Republican source said that the First Lady also wanted to devote time to making nude ice sculptures, documenting the nesting habits of prarie dogs and writing a screenplay about the lost city of Atlantis.
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(Reuters)
Angry Michael Jackson Says Eminem Video Demeaning
LOS ANGELES--Pop star Michael Jackson, angry over a "demeaning and insensitive" new Eminem music video that makes light of the child molestation charges against him, on Tuesday asked that networks pull it off the air.

Jackson threatened to kill and eat the rap star with a maple honey glaze if the song continued to play, but then later retracted the threat, saying he was being misquoted.

Debating, Inhaling, Convening, Unveiling

2004-10-10T23:19:00.000-04:00

(The New York Times)
So Alike, Rivals Make It Personal
ST. LOUIS--After two debates in which the presidential candidates have clashed over Iraq and North Korea, drug prices and jobs, a central question remains unasked: why do these two guys dislike each other so much?

George Bush: "John Kerry reminds me of my high school history teacher, who called me a pinhead and said I would never amount to anything. Plus, I love ketchup, and now I can't put it on anything. He ruined the last five barbecues for me."
John Kerry: "I could knock the smirk off George Bush's face and give him an atomic wedgie, but I have to sit here and act like the patrician, principled one while he gets to be the friendly frat-boy-everyman."
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(The New York Times)
Jacques Derrida, Abstruse Theorist, Dies at 74
Jacques Derrida, the Algerian-born, French intellectual who became one of the most celebrated and notoriously difficult philosophers of the late 20th century, died Friday at a Paris hospital, the French president's office announced. He was 74.

Or, did he die? Who's to say what death is or what relationship it has to our perception of life, unless of course you're a lollipop and this sentence was written 10,000 years ago and. Corpuscles.
Wolly-bully namesake kreplach indeterminate chopsocky wormhole masturbate eliminate orchestrate.
Now is the time for all good men to pull down their yes, I'm not feeling well.
For more information, please call customer service at 1010101010101010. Neoprene.
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(Associated Press)
Man Sets Record for Burgers in Mouth
SINGAPORE --Spurred on by shouts of ``shove it in, shove it in,'' 19-year-old Ezra Nicholas set a world record by stuffing more than three McDonald's hamburgers into his mouth -- without swallowing -- at the close of Singapore's contest to be the world's wackiest.

A federal judge in New York is expected to dismiss a lawsuit, filed by a group of unemployed compulsive eaters, that alleges unfair outsourcing of eating contests by American fast-food companies.
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(Associated Press)
Paris Hospital Tests 'Dirty Bomb' Rescue
PARIS--Some 200 doctors, nurses and rescue workers simulated a ``dirty bomb'' attack early Sunday -- the first such exercise held at a French hospital. The three-hour operation at Necker Hospital was held to test reaction, coordination and efficiency of medical and rescue teams in the event of an attack with a homemade radioactive device.

According to U.S. military sources, the bomb itself was clean, but the French authorities who handled the exercise were walking pathogenic nightmares.
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(Associated Press)
Mathematicians Offer Help in Terror Fight
PISCATAWAY, N.J.--A small group of thinking men and women convened at Rutgers University last month to consider how order theory -- a branch of abstract mathematics that deals with hierarchical relationships -- could be applied to the war on terror.

The last time thinking people in New Jersey got together and worked on a science project, the Hindenburg crashed and burned.
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(Associated Press)
China Offers Rewards for Reporting Porn
BEIJING--China's police ministry on Sunday handed out rewards of up to $240 to people who reported pornographic Web sites in a campaign to stamp out online smut, the government said.

Prostitutes, human smugglers, drug runners and peddlers of nuclear weapons all expressed their strong support for the government crackdown.
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(Associated Press)
Stars Offer Reward for Dog Drowning Arrest
BOSTON--Comedian Richard Pryor and former ``Friends'' star Matthew Perry are adding to the reward for information leading to the arrest of the person who drowned a golden retriever in the surf on the Massachusetts coast.

Hollywood sources say the dog was close to retrieving some good comedic material for the two out of work actors.
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(Associated Press)
Rodman Says Bad-Boy Image Hurting Career
MONTERREY, Mexico--Former NBA star Dennis Rodman said his bad-boy image may be hindering his attempts at a comeback to professional basketball.

In a similar story, former Yankee slugger Mickey Mantle said that being dead has hurt his chances of being named head hitting coach for a major league team.
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(Scotsman.com)
Breast-Feeding Mothers 'Stimulate Sexual Desire'
Women’s sexual desire is heightened if they are near breast-feeding mothers, a new study has found. They appear to be turned on by a chemical odour from the mothers, and possibly their infants, say researchers.

A parallel study showed that the sexual desire of men could be increased by proximity to a bag of hammers, a box of canceled stamps or a truck full of human teeth.

Blowing Up, Bending Over, Getting Kremed

2004-10-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

(NBC News)
Tourists and their dollars flock to Mt. St. Helens
MOUNT ST. HELENS, Wash.--Over the last two weeks, Mount Saint Helens captured worldwide attention as it came to life, spewing clouds of steam and ash. But it has also drawn thousands of people determined to catch a close up glimpse of North America’s most active volcano.

Dear Aunt Sally: Having a great time. Mom, Dad, Tommy and Cousin Steve got vaporized by a volcanic blast yesterday, and 830 tourists had the skin melted off their bodies, but it's been a really amazing time. It's like, the power of nature just blows me away.
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(E! Online)
Rush Record Snatching Ruled OK
On Wednesday, a Florida appeals court ruled that surprise visits paid to the conservative radio host's doctors, during which Limbaugh's medical records were snatched by prosecutors, did not violate Limbaugh's right to privacy.

Sources said Limbaugh was too busy crushing Viagra pills and snorting the dust that he failed to notice the police raids.

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(BBC News)
Drug hope in prostate cancer care
Men with advanced prostate cancer that is not responding to hormone therapy could benefit from a drug now used to treat breast cancer, say scientists.

One prominent British oncologist called the new treatment a possible "light at the end of the tunnel," but the hospital later disputed the statement.

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(Reuters)
Martha Stewart Reports to Prison
ALDERSON, W.Va.--Trendsetter Martha Stewart arrived at a minimum-security prison known as "Camp Cupcake" under cover of early morning darkness on Friday. Federal Bureau of Prisons spokeswoman Carla Wilson said Stewart…was subjected to a strip search upon her arrival and had to squat and cough hard to check for hidden contraband.

Hours later, guards discovered a lemon Bundt cake in Stewart's cell. When questioned by prison authorities about how she could possibly have smuggled in such a large object, Stewart coughed and declined to comment.

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(Bloomberg News)
Krispy Kreme Is Target of Formal SEC Accounting Probe
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. said the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission opened a formal investigation of the company's accounting practices. Shares of the No. 2 U.S. doughnut maker fell as much as 8.3 percent.

Federal sources said that several Bavarian Crème doughnuts had been cooperating with authorities.

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(The Wall Street Journal)
Monks Take Up New Cause: Saving Salmon
Scientists and sport fishermen working to save the Siberian salmon have drafted an unlikely ally: Buddhist monks. The plan calls for the monks to use their moral authority to persuade the locals to stamp out poaching and habitat destruction.

A leading Baptist minister in Texas reacted with outrage at this intrusion by religious figures into the world of fishing, saying that species depletion and extinction were part of God's natural plan.

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(The Wall Street Journal)
A Wealth of Happiness
...Despite Bhutan being among the poorest nations in the world, almost all of its scholarship students studying overseas return home after graduation. One reason they cite: The Bhutanese government…has actively pursued the more elusive goal of promoting its nation's happiness. A few years ago, the government threw out the usual indicators measuring progress, replacing them instead with an innovative model -- called "gross national happiness" -- that now has researchers and think-tank agencies around the world taking note.

Other innovative measurements of economic progress in Bhutan include:

--The Bowel Movement Index (BMI);
--Average Number of Men Named Slappy Who Marry Women Named Misty;
--Dream Recall Capacity in Preschoolers;
--Pink-Frosted Cupcake Spoilage Rate;
--Statistical relationship between saying "thank you" and rate of deaths from monsoon;
--Economic optimism of dog owners (EODO).

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(Associated Press)
Thornton Gets Star on Hollywood Walk
LOS ANGELES--Billy Bob Thornton got a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame Thursday…

The unveiling of the star was marred, however, when Los Angeles police officers arrested Thornton after tests showed he had poured his blood into the concrete around the star before it dried.

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(Associated Press)
Poll: Youth Tie Bush, Draft Reinstatement
WASHINGTON--In spite of denials by the Bush administration, half of young Americans believe President Bush wants to reinstate the military draft, a national poll suggests.

The other half of young Americans believe that future wars can be fought by Santa's elves or friendly giant robots.

2004-10-08T10:37:00.000-04:00

I have a nose for news

Eruptions, Elections, Assertions, Corrections

2004-10-07T16:19:00.000-04:00

(The Associated Press)
Danger of Mount St. Helens Eruption Passes
MOUNT ST. HELENS, Wash. — Government scientists said Wednesday that the danger of a strong Mount St. Helens eruption at any moment has passed, but warned the mountain could continue venting steam and volcanic rock for several weeks.

Scientists warned, however, that Vice President Dick Cheney could still explode at any moment.
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(Voice of America)
US Lawmakers Consider Amending Constitution to Allow Foreign Born to Run for President
U.S. lawmakers are considering amending the Constitution to allow foreign-born American citizens to run for president of the United States.

Republican Congressmen have pushed to exclude citizens of Canada, France, Arab and African states from the amendment, while Democratic representatives have sought to create exclusions based on neck size and bicep measurements.
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(The New York Times)
Saddam Hussein Sowed Confusion About Iraq's Arsenal as a Tactic of War
W ASHINGTON--Saddam Hussein hid behind ambiguities and evasions about whether Iraq possessed unconventional weapons--when in fact it had none…

According to White House sources, ambiguity and evasion are forms of terrorism, which is why the Bush Administration is so hostile to academics, writers, intellectuals, filmmakers, performance artists and the act of sexual intercourse.
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(Associated Press)
Cheney Says Report Finding No Illicit Arms in Iraq Justifies War
MIAMI--Vice President Dick Cheney asserted on Thursday that a finding by the chief U.S. weapons inspector in Iraq that Saddam Hussein's government produced no weapons of mass destruction after 1991 justifies rather than undermines President Bush's decision to go to war.

The Vice President also asserted that:

--Tax relief for the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans is really a benefit to the other 99 percent of the country;
--If a majority of Americans support the right to an abortion, that means they are really opposed to it;
--People who are unemployed are actually happier than the employed, because everyone knows that work is hard, boring and unrewarding;
--Terrorist attacks against America are really just backhanded compliments by groups with poor social skills.
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(The Associated Press)
Edwards turns up the charm in appearances aimed at women who watch daytime shows
NEW YORK--Sen. John Edwards turned up the charm Thursday as he chatted on daytime television talk shows popular among women, a voting bloc the Democrats need to win. Gone were the harsh criticisms of the Bush administration. In their place were lighthearted topics, including whether the vice presidential candidate wears cologne--he doesn't. On "Live With Regis and Kelly," host Kelly Ripa suggested actor Tom Cruise play Edwards if a movie were made of the 2004 campaign.

An audience member suggested that John Kerry could be played by Boris Karloff, but the comment was edited out for broadcast.
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(Associated Press/MSNBC)
Destiny's Child is 'Lovin' It'
OAK BROOK, Ill. - McDonald’s Corp. has a new music partner: Destiny’s Child.
The fast-food company announced Wednesday that the R&B group will play an integral role in its “I’m lovin’ it” ad campaign. McDonald’s said it will sponsor the group’s 2005 worldwide tour and feature the trio in new commercials and special restaurant merchandising. Destiny’s Child also will make appearances on behalf of Ronald McDonald House Charities and other children’s causes.

Songs from the group's next recording reportedly include, "Your Destiny Is To Be A Fat-Assed Child."
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(Associated Press)
U.S. gets election advice from outsiders
WASHINGTON-- The United States, accustomed to giving advice on democracy, is in the unfamiliar position of getting some from international election observers schooled in Tajikistan, Ethiopia and other emerging democracies.

In other diplomatic news, President Bush will take lessons about the Jewish holiday of Purim from leaders of Hamas and learn about agricultural planning from high-ranking officials of the Sudanese government.

Iran, They're Running, We're Eating

2004-10-06T02:13:00.000-04:00

Iran Says Its Missiles Can Now Reach 1,250 Miles
TEHRAN (Reuters) - Iran has increased the range of its missiles to 1,250 miles, a senior official was quoted as saying on Tuesday, putting parts of Europe within reach for the first time.

What is the French word for "incoming"?
--------------------
CBS/New York Times U.S. Poll: Bush 47%, Kerry 47%
(CPOD) Oct. 5, 2004 – The 2004 United States presidential election is tied, according to a poll by CBS News and the New York Times. 47 per cent of respondents would vote for Republican incumbents George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, while 47 per cent would support the Democratic ticket of John Kerry and John Edwards.
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And 6% are wondering when they are going to wake up and find out this is all a bad dream, like the last episode of Dallas.
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Nickelodeon Tries a Hotel
(New York Times) The Nickelodeon cable channel plans to open a hotel this spring, which will have rooms decorated with some of its characters, like SpongeBob.
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The Fox News Channel just announced plans to open a series of Brazilian-styled barbecue restaurants, where right-leaning diners can enjoy skewering, basting, grilling and then finishing off their thin-skinned opponents.