Monday, October 25, 2004

Undecided voters, shown here in Ohio, are the subject of intense last-minute study and strategizing by the Bush and Kerry campaigns. Posted by Hello

Arafat Pat, Iraq De-Stocked, Ashlee Gaffe-ly, Clinton Sprintin'

Conflicting Reports About Arafat's Health
There are conflicting reports about Palestinian president Yasser Arafat's health. Some say he's suffering gallstones and an intestinal infection while others say he has the flu.
>>>>>A state department source says that Arafat is suffering from neurological damage after so many years of talking out both sides of his mouth.
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Tons of Explosives Missing from Former Iraq Atomic Site
Nearly 380 tons of explosives are missing from a site near Baghdad that was part of Saddam Hussein's dismantled atom bomb program…The missing explosives could potentially be used to detonate a nuclear weapon or in conventional weapons, the agency said.
>>>>>Besides the missing explosives, the murder of 50 Iraqi police trainees, continuing kidnappings and executions of foreigners and an insurgency now believed to number in the tens of thousands, Iraq is a healthy and thriving addition to the world of democracy, say Iraqi authorities.
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Ashlee Caught Lip Syncing

Ashlee Simpson walked offstage this Saturday during a broadcast of Saturday Night Live when recorded vocals for a different song began to play as she began performing.
>>>>>Ashlee later said that she intended to do an updated version of the Led Zeppelin classic "Stairway To Heaven," but a technical glitch interrupted her performance.
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(Seattle Post Intelligencer)

Taiwan Battered By Typhoon
TAIPEI, Taiwan--Strong winds and heavy rains lashed eastern Taiwan as Typhoon Nock-ten began battering the island Sunday night.
>>>>>Chinese government officials quickly blamed Israel for the storms, and demanded the U.N. Security Council meet in emergency session.
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Exclusive: Clinton Says Kerry Shouldn't Look for 'Silver Bullet'
A gaunt former President Clinton does not think he is taking a risk by hitting the campaign trail for Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry so soon after undergoing quadruple heart bypass surgery. "I want to do this," Clinton told ABC News' Diane Sawyer in an exclusive interview that aired on "Good Morning America."
>>>>>Clinton then offered to show Sawyer his preemptive love offensive to prove his heart was in good working order, but the perplexed news anchor cut to a TV commercial.
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(The Times of London)
Vodafone In Row Over 'Peeping Tom' Phone Cameras
The world’s biggest mobile phone company was embroiled in a row last night over an “X-ray” mobile camera attachment that allows peeping toms to see through clothes.
>>>>>A previous version of the phone could see through politicians, but was quietly withdrawn.
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Kravitz Sued Over Overflowing Toilet
NEW YORK--An insurance company has sued Lenny Kravitz, saying it had to pay for more than $300,000 worth of water damage in a neighbor's apartment after one of Kravitz's toilets overflowed two months ago.
>>>>>The singer filed a counter-claim, saying his toilet contents were more valuable than his neghbor's apartment. The suit is still under review.
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(Sky News, U.K.)
'Bush Is Not My Homie'
Eminem is planning to vote for the first time in his life after being left seething at the US President. The controversial rapper said he was determined to get George Bush out of office.
>>>>>A spokesman for President Bush said that Eminem's work was musically derivative and lyrically childish, and that the White House would worry if Public Enemy had something negative to say, but not Eminem.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Unsure on 3 Strikes, Uncertain on 2 IQs

(The New York Times)
California Rethinking '3-Strikes' Sentencing
One of the most significant changes proposed in the ballot measure, known as Proposition 66, would put California more in line with the 24 other states that have three-strikes laws. The change would restrict third-strike offenses for repeated felons, which require a 25-year-to-life sentence, to serious or violent crimes.
>>>>>But a number of other ballot alternatives to "three strikes" are also being proposed. Prop 17 is the "Technical Foul" initiative, which requires criminals to examine their behavior in a more scientific fashion. Prop 981 is the "Penalty Box" proposal, which benches criminals from their favorite activities. And Prop A-3, the "Time-Out" program, is a favorite of liberal reformers.
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(The New York Times)
Secret Weapon for Bush?
To Bush-bashers, it may be the most infuriating revelation yet from the military records of the two presidential candidates: the young George W. Bush probably had a higher I.Q. than did the young John Kerry.
>>>>>Military records also reveal that the young George Bush was fluent in ancient Aramaic, wrote a paper disproving the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and could guess the weight of total strangers to within half a pound.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

The Boston Red Sox, who were supposed to be in the World Series only if hell froze over, according to a majority of New Yorkers, will play the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 1 tonight, weather permitting. Posted by Hello

Friday, October 22, 2004

Murders Down, Kerry In Brown, Fat Men Lose Ground

(The New York Times)
After Curse and Cursing, a Pinstripe Shade of Blue
Just to illustrate the suspense that choked Yankee fans while their team was struggling on Wednesday night: No homicides were reported in New York City during Game 7, the police said.
>>>>>Pentagon to broadcast World Series games 24 hours a day in Sunni triangle in experimental program, sources say.
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(The New York Times)
Advice on Vaccine Shortage Is Lacking, Local Officials Say

Local and state health officials are complaining that their federal counterparts have given them almost no information to deal with the shortage of flu vaccines.
>>>>>Chicken soup, two aspirin, "that's all a bunch of media hype," are suggested key strategies.
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(The New York Times)
Kerry On Hunting Photo-Op to Help Image

Clad in camouflage clothing, a 12-gauge double-barreled shotgun under his arm, Senator John Kerry presented an image that his aides hope will help shore up his support among rural voters.
>>>>>To shore up his support among suburban voters, Kerry screamed at a minivan full of schoolchildren to stop fooling around and complained to a group of husbands that they weren't paying enough attention to him.
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Study: Fat Men=Poor Sperm
Beer bellies may take a toll on men below the belt, not just around it. Men who weigh too much are more likely to have poor sperm quality, research on nearly 1,600 young Danish men has found.
>>>>>Overweight men were also more likely to be die from undetected aneurysms and be struck by asteroids


(Chicago Tribune)
Bush, Kerry Bombard Ohio
>>>>>Residents flood refugee camps, seek shelter from Olsen Twins and Ed Asner.

(Associated Press)
Hooters Opens First Restaurant in China
>>>>>Civil war, presidential assassinations, "Golden Girls," pedophilia to follow.

Serbs Deciding Whether to Vote in Kosovo
>>>>Or maybe they'll just open fire on some unarmed civilians.

Fidel Acts Fit As A Fiddle
>>>>>Finds fault with finicky forecasts by Fox.

France To Run Anti-Semitism Ads
>>>>>"We Hate The Jews, But We Hate Everybody," is campaign slogan.

Microsoft Is A-Rod; Google Is Pujols
>>>>>Bush is Homer Simpson, Kerry is Lisa

New Weight-Loss Device to Be Tested
>>>>>Lip-stapler equipped with lemon-flavored staples.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Phoning Home, Castro's Bones, Iraqi Doubt, Kerry Routs

(The New York Times)
Coming Soon: High-Definition TV Phones
Miniature mobile phones…are poised to merge with the largest of home appliances, the television. The cellphone industry is working to build phones able to receive high-definition television signals over the air, even though HDTV has yet to make its way into most American living rooms.
>>>>>U.S. and Japanese manufacturers hope to add additional home-based technologies to the ultra-mobile cellphone, including
portable versions of freezers, washers and dryers, central air conditioning and heating and crawslspace.
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(The New York Times)
Indonesian President Is Sworn In, Promising a Cleaner Government
JAKARTA, Indonesia--Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, a former general, took the oath of office as the first directly elected president of Indonesia, and in a businesslike address promised a new era of cleaner government. "Indonesia will be a democratic country, open, modern, pluralistic and tolerant," he said from the glistening halls at the presidential palace. "We will try hard to form a clean and good government."
>>>>>The new president ordered all paramilitary personnel soaked in a gentle vinegar solution, opposition party members to be disinfected twice a day and all members of the media to be scrubbed by the public with soap and hot water.
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(The Associated Press)
Castro 'All in One Piece' After Fall
HAVANA--Cuban President Fidel Castro tripped and fell after leaving the stage at a graduation ceremony, fracturing a knee and arm but later returning to say that he was "all in one piece."
>>>>>White House sources said that officials of the CIA, Army intelligence and other covert operations sources immediately began studying the staging of high school plays and dinner theater shows for clues about mounting a more opportunistic operation.
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Burger King Bars Ads From TV Show Discussing Kerry
NEW YORK--Hamburger chain Burger King said that it would not run its commercials during a controversial program about U.S. presidential candidate John Kerry.
>>>>>General Mills, the makers of Frankenberry cereal, stepped into the controversy and bought all of the available TV commercial time.
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(USA Today)
Poll: More Iraqis Doubt Nation's Direction
More Iraqis say their country is headed in the wrong direction and they blame the poor security situation, a new poll has found.
>>>>>A majority of Iraqis also said that a majority of Iraqis don't know which way is up or their asses from their elbows.
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(Associated Press)
ABC Drops Miss America From TV Schedule
ABC has dropped Miss America, leaving the famous beauty pageant without a TV outlet for the first time in 50 years.
>>>>>The aging beauty queen was last seen devouring several pounds of Entenmann's cakes and disappearing inside a ladies' room.
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(Associated Press)
Kids Pick Kerry to Be the Next President
NEW YORK--Kid power! Democrat John Kerry is the winner, and the rest of the country should pay attention because the vote on Nickelodeon's Web site has correctly chosen the president of the United States in the past four elections.
>>>>>The kids also voted M&M's the healthiest dinner food and Britney Spears as the next justice to be named to the Supreme Court.

Sniffing Out the Smelliest Headlines:

(The New York Times)
Debate Lingering on Decision to Dissolve the Iraqi Military
>>>>>Pentagon also considers smelting the military, turning it into souvenir coins.

(The New York Times)
Back From Dead, Red Sox Bury Yankees and Go to Series
>>>>>Dead Yankees appear in public, causing panic and confusion; lawyers for Yankee owner George Steinbrenner and players' families argue over contract payments to dead player's estates.

(The New York Times)
In Bush's Vision, a Mission to Spread Power of Liberty
>>>>>Spread it with a spoon, or spread it with a shovel, just keep spreading it, President tells advisers.

(The New York Times)
Iraq Susceptible to Corruption, Survey Finds
>>>>>Clouds likely to rain, birds likely to sing, sun tends to set, survey adds.

Israelis, Palestinians at Odds Over U.S. Election
>>>>>Two peoples agree on everything else, however, and will spend winter at a family retreat in Greece.

Fox, Sox Celebrate Baseball Wins
>>>>>Clocks and knocks, smocks and locks, docks and rocks also celebrate. Frocks could not be reached for comment.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C.--As crude oil prices remain close to $55 per barrel, Energy Department sources say the Bush administration is seeking alternative fuel sources, including new technologies for rendering penguins and other marine mammals into oil products. Posted by Hello

While New York Yankees manager Joe Torre blamed the historic three-game losing streak to the Boston Red Sox on a variety of factors, Yankees fans blamed the team's reversal of fortune on a strange, unidentified creature, allegedly captured here in a photo taken underneath Yankee Stadium. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Good Cells, Galactic Tells, Cell Hell, Oh That Smell

(United Press International)
Schwarzenegger Endorses Stem Cell Work
Carmel, CA--California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger broke with Republican party ranks and endorsed a $3 billion stem cell research project.

A Republican source said that the actor was obsessed about cloning himself and took his own catchphrase, "I'll Be Back," literally.
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(The New York Times)
New Look at How Planets Are Formed
New infrared observations of the disks of dust and rock around young stars reveal that many planets apparently form in an environment more violent and chaotic…than previously theorized, astronomers reported yesterday.

The planets engaged in name-calling, eye-gouging, head-bonking, pasting "Kick Me" stickers on one another's backs and putting potatoes in car exhausts, the study said.
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(Associated Press)
Man Upset With Cellphone Service Terrorizes Workers
FARGO, N.D.--Can you hear me now? Jason Perala says he's sorry for going on a rampage in a Fargo, N.D., Verizon store.

But 92 percent of cell phone users said they were sympathetic to the man's outburst and offered to terrorize other Verizon store locations if it would make him feel better.
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(United Press International)
Officials Allege Crack-For-Registrations
Defiance, OH--A 22-year-old Defiance, Ohio, man faces a felony charge stemming from a scheme in which the man allegedly was to be given crack cocaine for registering voters.

European observers said that the event supported the widely held belief that, given the two candidates put forth by the parties, most Americans must be smoking something.
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(Associated Press)
Mayo Clinic to Name Center After Sheik
MINNEAPOLIS--The Mayo Clinic will name a new cardiovascular treatment center for the president of the United Arab Emirates, Sheik Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan, who has given $25 million to the institution since he underwent neck surgery there in 1996.

The new treatment center, The Jews Are To Blame Pavillion, is scheduled to open in May, 2007.
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(The New York Post)
Exxon's New Fuel: Caffeine
ExxonMobil is serving up a new type of premium leaded: its own gourmet-coffee line, "Bengal Traders" branded java. ExxonMobil invested more than $10 million to buy high-end beans, update its equipment and train its staff on keeping the brew fresh.

The company's proposed new slogan is, A Tiger In Your Tank, A Rattlesnake In Your Bowels.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Biting Back The Headlines:

(New York Times)
Iraqi Officials Plan to Extend Buying of Arms

Hands, feet and kidneys will also be sought, but other parts will be diverted to the Sudan.
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(Associated Press)
U.S. Episcopal Church Criticized for Consecrating Gay Bishop

Bishop says he didn't enjoy it, either, but he wanted to be open-minded.
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(The New York Times)
For Kerry, a Few Words That May Be Debatable

"Read My Lips: No New Lesbians."
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(The New York Times)
Bush's Brother Rules Out Bid for Presidency

Governor Jeb Bush says that he doesn't have enough cash on hand to buy the White House, thanks to some pokey real estate deals.
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Clay Aiken Dons Santa Hat For Holiday Tour

Authorities in 34 states say they have enough manpower to protect children from the onslaught, but worry about depletion of resources.
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(ABC News-Entertainment-Wire)
Soft Cell Singer Hospitalized After Crash

Flock of Seagulls drummer and Modern English bass guitarist say they haven't been sleeping well.
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Jolie Named Sexiest Woman Alive

Actress claims her goal is to become sexiest woman deceased, as the title will last longer.
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Dow punctured by 3M.

3M says it will go slower next time, try more foreplay.
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(ABC News-Business-Wire)
Sprint Names New Head of Consumer Division

CEO's arms and legs are being used in Fallujah water project, according to sources.
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Mattel's Earnings Slip, Barbie Blamed

Scott Peterson attorney Mark Geragos cites Barbie as possible suspect in wife's slaying during opening of defense phase of the trial.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

My Fellow Lesbians

And I see that you're a lesbian, which is OK. And I see another lesbian behind you, and she's OK like a 96-ounce bottle of Heinz ketchup, my fellow Americans. Posted by Hello

Friday, October 15, 2004

Bad Polls, No Parole, Nader Mole, Britney's Goals

(Associated Press)
Polls Show Worsening of U.S. Reputation
LONDON--The United States' reputation around the world is hurting, a series of polls published Friday from 10 countries, including Canada, indicated. And in eight out of 10 countries, those polled said they hope to see Democrat John Kerry beat President George W. Bush.

Other highlights from the poll: 81% said they hoped Bill Gates would slip and fall in the bathtub; 78% said they thought Donald Trump was really a woman; 65% thought that Idaho and Montana were girls' names, not states; 53% wanted to see Madonna naked on the $5 bill; 44% blamed their lower back pain on Catherine Zeta-Jones; and 29% felt that they had really written The Da Vinci Code and their had been stolen by the CIA or Michael Eisner..
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Germany's Shroeder Visits Libya
Tripoli, Libya--German Chancellor Gerhard Shroeder met with Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi on ways to boost bilateral relations and increase Libyan oil exports to Germany.

The two leader spent hours in private talks and issued a statement blaming the Jews for all of the problems in world politics, including bad weather and global warming.
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(The New York Daily News)

Lennon Killer Full Of Regret, Sorrow
Tortured by regret over killing beloved Beatle John Lennon, Mark David Chapman told state parole officials he's a real nowhere man in upstate's Attica prison. "In some ways, I'm a bigger nobody than I was before because, you know, people hate me," Chapman said.

Chapman offered to kill Omarosa from The Apprentice or actor Mickey Rourke as a show of gratitude for leniency in his parole, but he was quickly sent back to solitary.
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(The Florida Sun Sentinel)
Bush Praises Plan To Speed Help To Restore Everglades

FLORIDA--Governor Jeb Bush touted a new state plan to speed up the restoration of the Everglades, filter water and refurbish wildlife habitat around South Florida.

The plan included selling the Everglades to Japan, moving it by boat and creating additional parking lots for Disney and Universal theme parks.
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(The New York Daily News)

Creeps At Wheel For Disabled Kids
NEW YORK--Hardened criminals were put in charge of the city's most vulnerable students because educrats never did required background checks, a probe revealed yesterday. Severely disabled children rode in private ambulances staffed by ex-cons with records for manslaughter, attempted murder and weapons and drug crimes.

On the positive side, said lawyers from he city, the children learned basic skills in handgun concealment, alibi maintenance and dead-body disposal.
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(The New York Times)
Nader Emerging As The Threat Democrats Feared
WASHINGTON--With less than three weeks before the election, Ralph Nader is emerging as just the threat that Democrats feared, with a potential to tip the balance in up to nine states where President Bush and Senator John Kerry are running neck and neck. Despite a concerted effort by Democrats to derail his independent candidacy, Mr. Nader will be on the ballots in more than 30 states.

Nader also announced plans to replace Santa Claus with a more modern Green Party character named "One-World Wochak."
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(The New York Times)
Ford Brings Back Steve McQueen
DETROIT--Detroit is exhuming another face from the past to pitch its cars to a new generation. A digitally revived Steve McQueen, who died in 1980, will be reprising the character of Lt. Frank Bullitt in a commercial promoting the redesigned and retro Ford Mustang.

The long-dead actor will also make forced-labor appearances at car shows, on late-night TV talk shows and at fundraisers for the National Rifle Association.
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Kerry: Bush Out of Touch, Out of Ideas, Out of Time
LAS VEGAS--Democratic challenger John Kerry, pumped up by polls showing he won all three debates with President Bush, dismissed the Republican incumbent on Thursday as out of touch, out of ideas and out of time.

Kerry also accused President Bush of being out of toner ink, but the Kerry campaign refused to elaborate on what the senator meant.
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(Associated Press)
Google Launches PC Hard-Drive Search Tool
MOUNTAIN VIEW--Google Inc. on Thursday became the first tech heavyweight to tackle the daunting task of uncluttering computers, introducing a program that quickly scours hard drives for documents, e-mails, instant messages and past Web searches.

The search engine company is also working on a top-secret search engine that will find lost car keys, TV remotes and memories, said sources close to the company.
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(Associated Press)
Report: Spears May Take Husband's Name
BERLIN--Britney Spears, newly married to dancer Kevin Federline, says she would like to take his last name and wants to start a family next year, a German magazine reported.

The singer also said she wants to open a farm that saves downer cows and sheep with skin problems, to create a math system for adults that eliminated multiplication and division, to find ways to communicate with trees, and to change the name of Wisconsin to something easier to spell, like Ken.

President Bush and Democratic challenger John Kerry, shown backstage before the third Presidential debate.
Photo Credit: BBC News UK. Posted by Hello